I'm that person that gives out, bitches and moans about training but always always fears not having enough done. But doesn't everyone?
I'm hoping so.
Then there's the guilt. It irks away at you. Why are you not training? You don't deserve to relax. You haven't earned it. You can't enjoy food. You haven't earned it. You can't watch a series on Netflix unless your on the turbo. You must suffer.
I'm not sure where the guilt comes from or the purpose but it's tough mentally and probably not proactive. I know that. I should probably just train more. That would teach the guilt.
After a 2 week break from the pool, one for illness, the second more logistical I returned this week and was looking forward to it. It had only been 2 weeks. Hardly enough time to lose any swimming fitness. Swimming fitness I'd really only gained over the previous 3 weeks so possibly a bit niave on my part.
Monday night's session was grim but I powered through. First 100 comfortable and free. This is easy. I love swimming. The next more strained. The third like swimming in custard, with weights on causing those dreaded sinking legs I've become so famous for. And no I wasn't banging out 100s without breaks. I definitely wasn't able for that. I did all the things I shouldn't. I checked my watch each time I stopped, multiplying my time out to see if I'd make the 70.3 cut off. Most of the time tonight I wouldn't. And I took breaks. A lot of breaks.
I was having a very doubting night. I stuck in the bouy for the next 500 and got through it in many many sets, little by little trying to remember my breathing, trying to kick less and float more and trying to have good stroke form. It was a struggle. And as I got to the end for a rest the sick came in my mouth. I managed to contain it. Somehow. I really didn't want to be that guy explaining the benefits of chlorinated water.
200 left.
A longer break.
Time to test without the bouy again. By now my breaks were long, my heart rate higher and my arms unresponsive. My right arm did a stroke, my left barely came out if the water. I veered left and into the side of the lane. This was agony. I was down to 25s. A little bit more sick in my mouth. The joys of training. And yet I still am convinced I wasn't going hard enough or long enough. Again the guilt. The fear. The failure.
Finally I finished and couldn't get out of the pool. I really wanted to get out of the pool. I hated that pool. Third time lucky I mustered the strength. I was done.
Until tomorrow.
It's tomorrow (yesterday). I finished work at 6. The plan to head straight for the gym. I needed to swim. But I didnt want too. I considered a walk. But the guilt kicked in. I drove around for a while. Eventually arriving at the pool. I sat in the carpark unable to go in. Unable to face the 1000m I'd planned. The guilt of missing 2 weeks had planned. I considered going for a run. But come 70.3 day if I can't swim I won't have to run.
No I need to swim. Then I had a moment. A moment of clarity. I decided it was best to do something rather than nothing. I cleared my original 40 lengths plan. More than nothing. That's what I would do.
So I went in and got ready. Slowly. I still didn't want to swim. I started swimming. 100. 200. 300. 400. Wow. 400 already. 500. 600. I stopped. It's more than I ever could have managed an hour ago. My arms tired but happier than when I started.
I had managed more than nothing.
I felt happy but the guilt still sat there. The fear of failure. And the thoughts of the wall. I had pushed off the wall 24 times tonight. There are no walls in the sea. Another addition to my planned pending failure.
The walk of shame when I miss the cutoff, my day ruined. I have it well planned out in my mind. I'm ready to fail.
Visualisation is a powerful tool. But it can be dangerous in the wrong mindset. When all you can see is failure.
That's were I am this week. Deep in doubt. Deep in visualisation of failing. Deep in guilt. And deep in what's the point of all of this.
Now time to work on that positive visualisation.
I am so happy right now.
*Sarcastic emoji face*
I'm hoping so.
Then there's the guilt. It irks away at you. Why are you not training? You don't deserve to relax. You haven't earned it. You can't enjoy food. You haven't earned it. You can't watch a series on Netflix unless your on the turbo. You must suffer.
I'm not sure where the guilt comes from or the purpose but it's tough mentally and probably not proactive. I know that. I should probably just train more. That would teach the guilt.
After a 2 week break from the pool, one for illness, the second more logistical I returned this week and was looking forward to it. It had only been 2 weeks. Hardly enough time to lose any swimming fitness. Swimming fitness I'd really only gained over the previous 3 weeks so possibly a bit niave on my part.
Monday night's session was grim but I powered through. First 100 comfortable and free. This is easy. I love swimming. The next more strained. The third like swimming in custard, with weights on causing those dreaded sinking legs I've become so famous for. And no I wasn't banging out 100s without breaks. I definitely wasn't able for that. I did all the things I shouldn't. I checked my watch each time I stopped, multiplying my time out to see if I'd make the 70.3 cut off. Most of the time tonight I wouldn't. And I took breaks. A lot of breaks.
I was having a very doubting night. I stuck in the bouy for the next 500 and got through it in many many sets, little by little trying to remember my breathing, trying to kick less and float more and trying to have good stroke form. It was a struggle. And as I got to the end for a rest the sick came in my mouth. I managed to contain it. Somehow. I really didn't want to be that guy explaining the benefits of chlorinated water.
200 left.
A longer break.
Time to test without the bouy again. By now my breaks were long, my heart rate higher and my arms unresponsive. My right arm did a stroke, my left barely came out if the water. I veered left and into the side of the lane. This was agony. I was down to 25s. A little bit more sick in my mouth. The joys of training. And yet I still am convinced I wasn't going hard enough or long enough. Again the guilt. The fear. The failure.
Finally I finished and couldn't get out of the pool. I really wanted to get out of the pool. I hated that pool. Third time lucky I mustered the strength. I was done.
Until tomorrow.
It's tomorrow (yesterday). I finished work at 6. The plan to head straight for the gym. I needed to swim. But I didnt want too. I considered a walk. But the guilt kicked in. I drove around for a while. Eventually arriving at the pool. I sat in the carpark unable to go in. Unable to face the 1000m I'd planned. The guilt of missing 2 weeks had planned. I considered going for a run. But come 70.3 day if I can't swim I won't have to run.
No I need to swim. Then I had a moment. A moment of clarity. I decided it was best to do something rather than nothing. I cleared my original 40 lengths plan. More than nothing. That's what I would do.
So I went in and got ready. Slowly. I still didn't want to swim. I started swimming. 100. 200. 300. 400. Wow. 400 already. 500. 600. I stopped. It's more than I ever could have managed an hour ago. My arms tired but happier than when I started.
I had managed more than nothing.
I felt happy but the guilt still sat there. The fear of failure. And the thoughts of the wall. I had pushed off the wall 24 times tonight. There are no walls in the sea. Another addition to my planned pending failure.
The walk of shame when I miss the cutoff, my day ruined. I have it well planned out in my mind. I'm ready to fail.
Visualisation is a powerful tool. But it can be dangerous in the wrong mindset. When all you can see is failure.
That's were I am this week. Deep in doubt. Deep in visualisation of failing. Deep in guilt. And deep in what's the point of all of this.
Now time to work on that positive visualisation.
I am so happy right now.
*Sarcastic emoji face*
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